You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
