my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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