im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
