Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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