Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
