remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
