DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
