I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
