I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
