I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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