Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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