I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
