is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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