I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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