Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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