So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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