you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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