I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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