I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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