Screwed.edu
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
