i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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