if you like me you must not know who I am
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
