i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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