the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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