i permit you to call me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You made out with two different species that night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
