My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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