from now on my penis is your penis
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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