I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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