i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
