I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
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You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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