Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
