You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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