nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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