Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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