even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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