In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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