Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
