oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
