Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
