sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
