Im at strip club and am horny
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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