I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
