I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.