I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
