the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
