1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
