i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
