her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
