Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
