Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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