please come you make the beer taste better
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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