Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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