I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
They have beer where we have blood.