I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she peed on how many people?
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit