Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades