You don't have asthma, your pregnant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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