So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Randomize
