Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
