Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
