Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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