yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
