nut hugger
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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