my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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