hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
