Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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